Sputnik Sweetheart

Painting was so unproductive today lah, kept getting distracted by Q and Val. Our jokes are so so bad and we ended up annoying the entire class with our guffaws. What's new pussycat?

Oh! I am so.. Like incoherent. Chronologically I should begin to describe how terrible my day started. It was bright in the morning so I went out (with my great yellow sweater) then as I was walking out the rain started to pour like CRAP and my shoes and skirt got wet and soggy and all and and and it was a very discomfiting affair for me. So that was ominous sign part I before my General Paper exam. When I got to school, I went to the toilet to dry myself and the Auntie was scrubbing the floor. Ominous sign part II. So those events were just a prelude to what was to befall the entire cohort of JC2 students, the freaking GP paper. Yeah ok so I won't go on about it since everyone thought it was shit. When Jasmine Tan collected our scripts she sniggered and went "There'll be a bloodbath". How's that for an encouraging GP tutor for you?

After which I went to watch Tony Takitani with Ngeow and her classmates. The movie was good lah.. Like the short story. It was an acceptable adaptation surprise (or maybe no surprise!) since Murakami is my god. After which I went home again. Tsk, and got ready for art.

Which was, I've mentioned, unproductive.

Those of you who don't know the way to my hse, I'll upload a (painstakingly) self drawn map
















Apparently some people think my PAINTing lessons have gone to waste? TSK.

The Jiawen I Know

Jezebel feels completely dismantled when she looks at you says:
SEXUALITY IS FLUID, says shane
droll thing life is says:
i am SEXUALITY, says jiawen.
droll thing life is says:
or rather, sensuality
Jezebel feels completely dismantled when she looks at you says:
fuck you


What kind of friends do I have?

Know Thine Enemy

You and I know what the real deal is.

GP paper tomorrow and I am going to suck again. Well I expect the paper to be really really tough since Jasmine Tan the Patron Saint of all things intelligent and incomprehensible (uncomprehensible?) says the paper is going to be a tough one. Wahlao to think that I thought GP was my saving grace. Life sucks. There are so many things I've not completed. Revision wise I mean.

Math:
Complex No
All of Stats
App of Integration
Etc Etc

History:
P2
Social impact of Colonialism
Nationalism
Pol development of Singapore

P3
Globalisation of Cold War
End of Cold War
Sino Soviet Split yada yada yada
UN
A bit of Intl Economy

Econs:
Macroecons

I hate myself! Can anyone pls help me out. Anyway I didn't go for art today. Regretting the decision since I'm so friggin bored at home anyway. Plus reading articles on wikipedia is not really my ideal way of spending a nice windy evening.

OH OH OH does anyone feel like catching Tony Takitani and Pretty Persuasion with me. The first is by Haruki Murakami my fave author of all time! And the Ryuichi Sakamoto soundtrack should be a plus. Pretty Persuasion .. everyone should know. Pls pls pls someone watch them with me (although I know I should be studying). Ong change your mind abt studying pls!

Hmmm.

Just one last thing, know thine enemy.

I wish I poo clouds

I only ever wanted to speak poems, unforgettable lyrics, about my nights (and days and mornings) with whoever. That time was sublime. Of course.

Night study with Berly was productive, did like some SEA hist and math graph sketching. Stress is a big word thrown around quite frequently, I'd like to think. I may have used the word countless times in the past. But I think the full weight of the word has begun to take its toll on me. But of course, I'm not about to give the run-of-the-mill details of what I have (or haven't, for that matter) touched on for the impending Prelims. Gah. Because I knwo that everyone's life sucks and, well just get on with life. I SHALL.

Writing yourself a testimonial, though, is one of the most.. absurd things that I've ever heard. In fact, I was so amused I wrote Berly a testimonial. Words like "conscientious" and "listening ear" or even "helping hand" were in abundance. For "lollipop talk and fluffy language" sake. When Berly gets into like some Uni she's going to realise how lucky she is to have a friend like me. She'll even appreciate "go-to-girl" (doubt it). haha

Okay enough with my average tired life.
Farewell my concubine.

Wake me out of my lifelong stupor

Blogging twice a day in the span of merely err... 4 hours. Or five for that matter proves something, that I'm not studying. Hardiharhar.

That evening I saw your eyes turn dark filled with lust/love. Not quite. Grief and doubt, I think.

P/S: ong has a blog i'm ecstatic. I want to link my friends. Anyone wants to volunteer doing my html shit for me. I partake in computer (il)literati.

This is not a just image, this is just an image

So I have no pictures whatsoever to put up and nothing interesting has been happening to me. Interesting enough to blog about, that is. I just didn't want to abandon this blog because I've promised not to haha.

Well last night was Nat's party in her pretty darn cool condo. Sad that Steph couldn't make it, I hope she pulls through the.. School Crisis thingy. Adel Cal Nat Wallace (and Sister) and I were having a whale of a time in the karaoke room. So cool right, a KTV in the condo hahaha. We sang BSB. Ok I will not use the collective term 'We' because I didn't know half the lines of Backstreet Boys songs. Nat is Backstreet Girl, alongside Calista. Adel was "taxidriver-in-Calcutta" girl.

I know lately I have not been a good friend to many of my friends. I've not yet mastered the skill of maneuvering my way around certain people. I know for a fact that some things I have done have caused unduly bewilderment and astonishment from many people. But I would just like to appeal to all my friends to hold their tongues, and stop judging me. I've talked shit about so many people, I know it when people talk rot about me. Some people are open books to begin with. I really wish to get rid of this barrier between us, this constant judging that we do about each other based on one-off incidents. Plus, it's really my life. Why does it bother people that I do certain things different from what I used to do, "Stella has changed", etc etc, if I treat you all the same? It doesn't change anything does it.

Apparently not lah, in some people's opinions.

Obviously, this is not to say that I'm faultless. I admit that I have a very different attitude to life than previously. Maybe some people cannot agree with my shift in viewpoints. I don't know. All I'm saying is that I am trying my very best at this point in time. If anyone doesn't see my effort then I think there's nothing left to say. I'm truly sorry. And I'm truly sorry that I don't cherish our friendship enough to change further.

Disclaimer though, I still love my friends alot. Old and new.

Jeux D'enfants

Despite the rep the movie got, I still like it. It doesn't matter if I'm pretentious. I like what, cannot is it.

Anyway that was random? Today I stayed for night study again. Studied after school with ngeowson and jan. Ngeowson.. well, she opened Pandora's Box again today. What's new right. Anyway I hope you obtain your heart's Desire tomorrow, or sometime soon. Since tomorrow is Teachers Day. After that I studied with Hwing and Jan in the smelly canteen. In which we studied properly for the first 2 hours and then we got distracted and played word games. Irritating word games. And they taught me rhymes! Childhood rhymes I never got to know (I lived in a 3rd World country -- Ngeow you happy?). And some others we made up, involving carpenters, gunmen, ice cream sellers, bikers etc etc. Children's games.

Yeah anyway, it's been a few nights now, that palsie felt shitty every night. Fanfuckingtastic I feel the same way. "Self induced" happiness haha it's just a state of mind. Convince yourself and that'd be enough.. I hope I learn how to do it real soon before I destruct everything around me (tangible and intangible). I hate whiny girls who say they're feeling fucked and down and dead.. I'm not about to turn into one of those girls. Aiya anyway the gist of it is that I'd like all of you to tell all the girls/guys ruining your lives out there to fuck off. You know why lah. Tonight is Incoherent Night Part 2.

The cognitive ability to NOT act on your impulses make you human. No maybe not really. Less of a beast.

So I'm meeting tabs tmr I hope Hwing and Jan can make it pls pls pls.
BYE I HATE SCHOOL EXCEPT EXCEPT EXCEPT friends families and lovers
piss out ha ha ha bad joke

I'm totally enamored by your life

I just came home from art! I'm so tired. But I know I will lose my (already dwindling) audience if I go on whining about my state of physical and mental health. Anyway in the cab home just now the cab driver chuckled at Q. After Q was dropped off, I asked why he laughed. HAHA the bastard said Q's voice was funny. Retard.

Turned out he's a tattoo artist by day and a cabbie by night. Wow (not coooool). Yeah so what was I getting at again? Oh.................................................. I just cannot seem to remember.

My studies = Shit, so I've decided to reform my study methods. I am going for night study tomorrow. With none other than ngeowson I think? Cup noodles girl of 2006. I'm trailing off. I can't structure proper sentences at this time of night. Argh.

Tabi: You asshole why has your hol started? and you've not been talking to me you prick! you know what to do.

Till the next unengaging and dumbed down post.
You, you you you you you you you.
De battre mon coeur s'est arrêté.

Our Memories, Well, They Tend To Be Inviting

Well I hate history
and econs
and perhaps math.

My lacklustre, or should I say, pedestrian academic achievements have been nothing more than a letdown?. I'm getting demoralised again Ugh how I hate school. Maybe it's my fault, I should have studied I shouldn't have gone to Hong Kong and spent loads of money I would have been better off staying on to study in Singapore during the June hols. Maybe I should have left before JC and I would be doing some shitty course in SF with my cousins now like Accounting or perhaps.

But thank God I stayed. Shudders. I wouldn't have made friends in CJ, or, I don't know.

Anyway.
Mat Rocker Fest is under way. Expect something exciting.

PS: I love the polaroids. Lazy to upload, look to JW's blog.
PPS: I know noone reads this bullcrap I write everyday except Charles, out of pity for fellow Indons? If anyone else reads this I appeal to your good nature to tagg, it'd be nice!

Comme une image!

I'm a Jam Tart, I'm a bargain basement,
I'm a work of art, I'm a magic casement,
A coal cellar, an umbrella, a sewing machine,
A radio, a hymn book, an old french bean,
The Royal Scot, a fairy grot, a storm at sea, a tram--
I don't know what I am,
You've cast a spell on me.

Pandora Ngeow introduced me to the wonderful world of Auden, and for that I am thankful. So, today was uneventful, I went to Borders just to utilise that crappy 20% off coupon that they gave me the last time round, and I got like 6 books I wish I were dead - so broke now. However yesterday. Hmmmm yesterday. It was a good day.

So Pandora came over to "study" or give off the impression that we were studying to my grandparents and family in general with the ulterior motive of them letting me get out in the evening. and Pandora sure didn't miss her chance of flirting with a certain someone in my place. So my bday Lolita themed? (berly's fav joke) And then after that we went to Botanics Garden to celebrate Val's bday. We had to get lost first, typical. After much shouting and waving of those light sticks thingies we joined the party (of One) = Val herself. Later on Q Joanna Peihan and Fiona came down too. I WANT MY POLAROID!

Anyway, I was speaking to someone (once? maybe?) very important to me. After the brief conversation I realised that i still feel the same pang of worry and concern that i felt when she used to run into shit. Now that she's somewhat... distant, I don't know what to make of it. I emphathise and sympathise, but there really isn't anything I can do to help. I don't really like this feeling of helplessness.

On a totally unrelated note, my ideal world will be a world ruled by Reciprocity. Of course, I feel that I give a lot into something. Most things, in fact, that I do. But I don't see why I don't receive the same amount of effort in return. Hmmm, then where did my extra effort go to? (Econs students, deadweight loss?) haha. Luckily (maybe not) I have been manipulative enough in the past to see through some people's actions to know. I've been there, done it.

So the equation of reciprocity of intangible things on planet earth is what? R1 = k R2?
What is k?

I don't know lah. Someone tell me?

He jests at scars which never felt a wound

HIHI sorry for the lack of updates, i have been busy in school and with friends and all. what have i done recently? not much, except an art exhibition yesterday (thursday). i love the pretentious arty farty air! i know, i'm a shallow bitch but i really do, can't help being honest here. scoff if you want, i really loved the paintings and prints that were exhibited (to us inhibited).

Highlight of the day, of course, was Arab Street, Haji Lane, beach road army market with ngeowson mandela. i was genuinely glad that we had a good talk today, those comparison and contrast we always make about our lives, our (common) friends, i can be judgmental when im around pandora ngeow. i'm thankful! im not trying to be a sunshine bimbo bitch here, but really. i appreciate all you've done for me.

Highlight of the day part two! Dinner with ong in hol v, the brilliantest place in singapore (almost) and the brilliantest friend i have (almost, haha no la, really). It took me quite a while to get all warmed up for the conversation and all but in the end we had great fun like we always did. and she admits that ive gained a sizeable amount of flesh on my legs and face 0_0 ugh.

With them, it's like perfection. Yes, perfection. It rests its full weight upon the core of my being, and theirs, like a corpse sealed inside a glacier - a magnificent glacier of ice like stainless steel. Only ten thousand years could melt such a glacier. But i couldn't live for ten thousand years of course, and so i will have to live with this perfection, and die with this perfection, and be buried with this perfection.

Perfection and Them and I beneath the ground.

Ten thousand years go by. Then, perhaps, the glacier melts in darkness and perfection thrusts its way out of the grave to reveal itself on the earth's surface.

But never mind. These events would not take place until 12,006.

On How He Talked To Himself As If Reciting Poetry

Adel's birthday celebration was a laidback and comfortable affair. I enjoyed the food and the company immensely, although some people decided to judge me by the amount of food i consumed. I was Hungry/Famished! (val and calista you assholes) ha ha ha. Before the celebration i met jiawen for a while since she was going to have her first time of something! (sorry folks! nothing phallic here) and we talked about metaphorical, intangible friendships? and aging (i just didnt want to say growing up, but what i really mean is that). I'm not really making much sense tonight i think, but.. yes.

Adel's party,
We talked about Suicides
We worried about the A Levels
We laughed about Nice Jugs
We indulged in memories of Curry in Adel's Skirt
We reminisced about Canoeing
And we cringed.

O, the cold ferocity of human wills!

i love your collar bones

Crucify my love. so, I was saying i had 6 hours of history and math today! I am a proud survivor of the pre-A levels regime.

No words today, but picture-laden post again (surprises from jiawen).
A picture speaks a thousand words, yes?












I'm going to end now, but not before i give you guys something to be disturbed about.
Not in a good, Stanley Kubrick kind of way.



Yay

Fast Times at Dropout High

30th of April seems like yesterday

I called you from Paris, to tell you that I wrote our names on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower.


Remember those night, playing Summer Wind on the jukebox at the bar where we used to go


If only i had more time, I'd take you where you wanted to go.

If only, I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes, that I could spend with you


We'd drink cheap wine and watch more shooting stars


We'd fall asleep in each other's arms and wake up on the floor,
Now looking back it was made for me and you.


Said that we would never fit in, but we were really just like them :)


Even if we come home empty handed, we'll still have our stories












battle scars, pirate ships and wounded hearts, broken bones, and all the best of friendships

When this hourglass has filtered out its final grain of sand

I raise my glass to the memories we had.


THIS IS MY WISH.

<3>

p/s: you thought that's that. now i have a surprise item for pandora ngeow!

enjoy!

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here

Palsie! don juan was a literary character, but his name is soon used to describe philanderers? ha ha you, don juan. you hearthrob, you! my friends are so killing me.

today was uneventful, save for the 4/5/6/7/8 km walk from school to macritchie reservoir which was an utter.. waste of time. the whole time hweeying huiying and i just played stupid games like listing names starting with A or S or C or M or something. and we insulted a few people. kind of made my day. after which hweeying and i went to coro to eat laksa (again) when are we losing weight?

i'm afraid of Hell. i don't know why i have been so consumed by the thought of being condemned in Hell lately. haha i havent done anything particularly bad recently. (anyone who knows pls refresh my memory). i haven't, in fact, for a long long time. when was the last time i did something bad? a sin enough to put me away in Hell? i know of some people who've committed more deadly sins. i would let them vicariously feel the heat of Hell in my place?

I read, and Dante said that there are 8 Circles of Hell in his Inferno. the first, is for people who are punished for they lack faith. guilty as charged. the second circle, for people blown away by lust in their lifetimes (i'm not guilty yet, but jiawen watch out hahaha). third circle, contains the gluttons. not in the literal sense of the word (haha youre thinking what im thinking?) but, those who are gluttons for information. i'm guilty, again. the fourth circle guards those whose desire for material deviates from the desired intention. Ditto. the fifth circle is just a passageway to the lower levels of hell, which generally punishes people who committed active sins rather than the abovementioned passive sins. the sixth circle .. well within the sixth circle are heretics, people who oppose the ideological and religious authority of the Catholic church (ok i'm in!). Seventh circle houses the violent- those against people and property, suicide committers, and those who are violent against art, nature and last but definitely not least, against God.

the Eighth ring punishes:
a) Seducers
b) Flatterers - a classmate of mine had better watch out
c) those who pay their way to get an authoritative position
d) Sorcerers
e) Corrupt politicians
f) Hypocrites (oh no!)
g) Thieves
h) Fraudulent advisors
i) Sowers of discord
j) All sorts of falsifiers (counterfeiters, alchemists etc)

The Last circle, the Ninth, condemns traitors. in whom faith and trust have been bestowed upon.

I wonder if we'll meet in Hell, you and i?

Anna Anna, is it sweet to dream unearthly dreams?

good grief! the mock exams are fast approaching and i am fastened to my computer chair. not funny. yes i was saying, i haven't even begun studying! all i'm doing is saturating my head with useless tripe such as magazines my ipod and articles on the internet. not to mention i fucked up my AQ during the GP mock earlier today.

I don't know why it is that i am so incapable of being analytical and intelligent in school work. why WHY? why can't i take a strong stance against something, and argue for my stance strongly? i don't know why! maybe im just stupid lah i'll admit it. after school i realised i left my shoebag outside that cursed classroom. with my old shoes that i lubs. shizz. my black and white slipons. please i believe in miracles pls let me find my shoes amen.

and so i. read about Don Juan today. how his story catapulted to worldwide fame and how his story evolved. the earliest version tells of how he raped a girl and killed the girl's father. and one day when he was walking somewhere he saw a statue, and invited the statue for dinner, unknowingly inviting the ghost of the man he killed (the murdered girl's father). so when he held out his right hand to shake the ghost's, the ghost pulled him into Hell. another version cites how Don Juan and his friend Don Luis were competing (GP MOCK HAHA) to "acquire" as many women as they can. Don Luis said that Don Juan would never successfully seduce a woman pure of soul, and this caused the latter to desire sleeping with a woman of God. Don Juan replies that he will sleep with Don Luis' future wife. in time to come, Don Juan seduced Don Luis' wife and another woman by Donna Anna. Don Luis and Donna Anna's father seeked revenge in the end to avenge for their lost pride. As fate would have it, Don Juan killed both of them and claimed that Anna has led him to the right path.

The last scene depicts how the ghost of Anna's and her revengeful father's tug-of-war, pulling Don Juan to Heaven and Hell respectively.

Who do you think won?

Don Juan went to Heaven.

What a pity.

Who wants to be exhibited, to the world's inhibited?

was reading a magazine. i lust after 124304427658947091230981 things. i need to make money quikly. tell me how? sell my............... history notes? ha ha ha you expected something gross didn't you.

oh by the way i had wanted to go watch the 4 nations thingy but.. what for? hockey has lost its meaning to me too. it had never meant that much to me anyway. not the way it had with sally, and jiawen for example. but it was an integral part of the whole of my year 1. plus, nobody was going.

anyone knows how to do HTML? im illiterate. i hate technology, there goes my GP essay. which reminds me, i haven't done any studying for the mocks. i hate blogs yknow, make me sound so self-centred, so narcissistic, all about me, me, me. well i am, but i digress.

i want someone to think of me when he/she's eating a pop tart.
i want someone to think i'm intelligent.
i want someone to write me a rhyming poem.
i want someone to write me a song?
i kinda want these:














MURAKAMI'S BLIND WILLOW, SLEEPING WOMAN
only USD 24.95














Boy Kill Boy Single! Back Again
only USD 13.99
















Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange pls pls pls pls pls
USD 15.99

that's all for now. oh! and i wanna be nicole richie and/or mischa barton.
and i want to look at someone in the face and say "all'alta fantasia qui mancò possa".

The Glamour Boys and Girls Have Grievances Too

Ah! i suddenly got idea for my next art piece. as if i'm so pro. well, i'm going to do maybe water colour for the next piece. i just got home, and my mom and the grandparents are here too. ARGH stress central. when i got home they went like 'how come so late today?' i am so annoyed.

my day.. i falter when i try to remember what went on in school, like every single day. school is insignificant? a few people make it bearable for me, some classmates, my friends, some teachers (jiawen im not talking abt DMB). but it's so sad right? like how my day went on like that and i cant even remember what happened? after school i went to hunt for jared's present with hwing, met jan in town, yadda yadda yadda.see, i have no life. i wonder why i set up this narcissistic shrine?

i miss ong, cupcake, siti, nihaad, dani, qiqi, adel, calista, steph, jiawen (i see you everyday right but why aren't we going out/spending time together haha). make an effort to see me, friends! i will spend my time reading a borrowed book from the library containing loads of poems. will try not to be too shallow and not read literature literally. you guys hate my jokes.

boring and unengaging i am.
farewell for a while.

Unfortunately, it was Paradise

this morning started off with a bang! (ha ha who am i kidding). careers day talks. we floated from one LT to another. wished kai happy birthday. original transcript: "oi happy birthday! 18 yrs old already yknow. better grow up". lasalle talk, very.. not unexpected. architecture talk slightly more worthwhile cos i was talking to friends. not to mention it was so devilishly hot and humid today. we have a right to love autumns!

future future. how? i can't rely on my parents money forever. obligations to fulfill, expectations to meet. the pragmatic side of me tells me to do business or the like. yet the idealistic angsty-teenager-i-will-live-for-myself-and-noone-else-so-i'll-pursue-my-passion side of me says either product or interior design. but i can't draw for nuts. but since i'm an angst ridden 18yr old who's about to embark on a self discovery journey (roll your eyes), that is beside the point.

i felt too tired to go on living, no i mean studying (haha) with jiawen today. sorry i couldn't stay any longer dude. so i packed my things up and left the school, thinking that i would go home to catch some shuteye. but He dealt me a different hand and bus 105 came, so i just took the bus and took a solitary trip to town. it was good. i walked around wherever i wanted, free as a... bird? despite the constant reminder of the amount of studying needs to be done. trip to town = guilttrip? (stella your jokes or your friends? qiqi is bound to ask).

What is the ultimate question?
9x6 = 42?

I don't know, really.

Life loves itself in an infinite love

hweeying asks what's with the blogs recently. cathartic release? i don't have much strong emotions to purge right now. i am exhausted today. from studying? playing? or ?

i didn't anticipate anything ominous (jiawen's word not mine) today, but life loves to play games like these. and then i asked my hOmiEz if God loves us. the sunshiney jan would say "of course, Christ died for us". hwing says "He does, if He exists." jiawen and i both are inclined to think that he doesn't, so we must love ourselves.

today also, i wrote poems for my (unappreciative) friends. one was titled my Forward mistress and the other the decomposing of the Puff. apparently the poems aren't up to standard, especially the latter. when everything blows over i will publish them here? all this nonsense, slowly seeping into my brain, taking over any tangible functions that i (almost always) perform. but i shall not go on, for a few close friends may deem me a smartypants wannabe.

palsie out there who's agonising over whether to break your heart (again) or kick yourself in the shin tomorrow, let your actions manifests wholly as your Breakthrough has. strength be with you!

p/s: can you purge yourself of exhaustion?